x365.org - No. 5

Scott - You had sex with your brother's fiance' on a coffee table in front of a room full of other guys. The saddest part of all? Not only was your brother in attendance...it was his bachelor party!

I just threw up a little recalling this dark moment in time.

x365.org - No. 4

Mr. Noel - As Vice Principal of CHS, you seemed like such a hard ass! And then you cried during the Class of '89 graduation ceremony.

x365.org - No. 3

Tim - One time you dyed your hair with leopard spots to match your tie and cumberbund for a friend's wedding. That was a good look.

x365.org - No. 2

Junie - When I was little, you would let me play dress up with your high-heeled shoes. Your feet were so small, the shoes fit me perfectly!

One Word

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? Non-existent
3. Your hair? Brown
4. Work? Lame
5. Your father? Awesome
6. Your favorite thing? Books
7. Your dream last night? Unknown
8. Your favorite drink? Coke
9. Dream car? Limo
10. The room you're in? Freezing
11. Your pet? Abby
12. Your fears? Loss
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Content
14. Where did you hang out last night? Ohana
15. What you're not good at? Deceit
16. Eyebrow rings on the preferred sex? Gross
17. One of your wish list items? Books
18. Where you grew up? Utah
19. The last thing you did? Smoked
20. What are you wearing? Pink
21. What aren't you wearing? Socks
22. The website GoofyAuctions.com (filled with eBay spoofs)? What?
23. Your computer? Handy
24. Your life? Limbo
25. Your mood? Meh.
26. Missing? Family
27. What are you thinking about right now? Leaving
28. Your car? Honda
29. Your work? Glazing
30. Your summer? Beaches
31. Your relationship status? Single
32. Your favorite color? Purple
33. When is the last time you laughed? Today
34. Last time you cried? Tuesday
35. School? Over

x365.org - No. 1

Mr. Jackson - In Wildlife Biology class, you kept giant snakes and would let them loose to roam the classroom floor during movies to keep everyone alert. You also had a spray bottle full of water on your desk that you'd use if anyone happened to take a nap in your class.

The First Ten Years

Age one – Already walking, but so tall I was often mistaken for an older child. People likely thought I was retarded when all I could manage to say back to them when they tried to talk to me was “Hi!” over and over again.

Age two – Wet my pants at my birthday party (cousins Layne and Carrie in attendance). Cried a lot about the that, but was very excited about my new wagon.

Age three – Sister Jenny born. Very, very unhappy with the parents. This was MY SHOW, after all. Don’t worry yourselves; I love my little sis’ to pieces nowadays.

Age four – There is a picture of me standing in front of the television in an old black hat, my dad's combat boots, and a white t-shirt. That's right...no pants. My mom reminded me that I used to wear the hat constantly and would line up all of my little chairs and pretend I was riding on a train.

Age five – I don't know if I suffered some sort of trauma that year or what (Kindergarten?), but I have absolutely no significant memories to share.

Age six – We had a Halloween Parade at school. Mom dressed me as an Indian Squaw, replete with the papoose (containing my favorite Madame Alexander doll, Pussycat), braided hair, and feathered headdress.

Age seven – Grandma? Why did you give me this hideous permanent? No lasting damage to the hair follicles, but my mental state has never been the same.

Age eight – Played kissing tag in the schoolyard with a cute boy named Grady Green. A year or two later, his mother married my uncle! Keep it in the family, indeed.

Age nine – At recess one day, best friend Marlo said to Brian, the boy I had a huge crush on at the time, “Don’t you think Mae needs a bra?” I even remember the shirt I was wearing. It had a koala bear iron-on that said ‘I need wuvvin’, too!’ My dear Dad took me to the mall that evening to buy my first mammary support system. Gawd.

Age ten – My friend Cheryl punched one of the schoolteachers, Mrs. Phipps, in the nose. Mrs. Phipps was a nasty old bitch and totally had it coming. Cheryl was one badass mofo.


This idea was taken from prompt #47 in Maggie Mason's new book "No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog".

Love

Its savage and its cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
Its noble and its brutal
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And youre left like a zombie

~Annie Lennox

Porn - D.I. Style

The following post previously published (by me) at the RoyceRants forum.

One day last week on the way home from work, we spotted a familiar person hitching a ride on Kuakini. It was our former Gradall operator, Bobbo. Defining Bobbo and his eccentricity is for another post, but I am compelled to share a story today. Another former co-worker of ours owns an "adult toy shop" in the Captain Cook area. Needless to say, I've never visited the shop. But Bobbo has! Oh yes, Bobbo has, indeed. He was in the store not too long ago to visit the former co-worker and had a look around at the merchandise while he was there. According to Bobbo, most of the inventory in the shop is USED! Not just videos and mags, my friends, but the toys themselves. USED. USED.SEX.TOYS!

So yeah. If you're in the market for some gently used porn, just swing by Adult Phantasy in Captain Cook.

What Happened?

How on earth two whole years have passed since I started this "blog thing" is beyond me. I'm sure these people are wondering "what happened"? as well. They are all celebrating birthdays in February:

February 05 - Lisa A.
February 10 - Lisa P.
February 13 - Kelly
February 17 - Kayne
February 17 - Jean

Happy Birthday to all of you. Hope 2007 is spectacular!

Love,
Mae

P.S. Be sure to wear your birthday suit often before it gets all wrinkly.

Moments of Mortification

I'm sure this will end up being a series of posts, but for now, I present you with this gem:

Friday night and we're out at the usual spot, LuLu's. Everybody is having a great time, and I've gone the entire evening without making an ass of myself. And then...

I walked to the upper bar at about 1:00a to see what was happening. My least favorite bartender was working. Now mind you, on a normal, sunny, sober day, I can't stand the sight of this guy. He's rude and abrasive and generally just a jerk. Actually reminds me of an ex. So I am sitting there with a friend chatting, and suddenly I am possessed by what I can only assume was the DEVIL HIMSELF. I leaned across the bar and said "Hey ____, we should just make out already and get it over with." Oh.my.god! Where did that come from? Not even I can answer that one. It gets better...his girlfriend was sitting five feet away when I made this not-at-all-quiet request.

I almost made it through the entire night without doing anything stupid! I guess the whole night was too much to hope for considering the number of rum drinks I consumed.

The End.

Happy New Year!

And happy it will be. Big Head Todd & The Monsters are coming to the Big Island for AN ENTIRE WEEK in May. They are playing two shows at the Prince Hapuna in Waikoloa. I plan to stay for the entire week and try not to drool on myself in front of Todd Park Mohr. It would be really great if my knees didn't turn to jelly, too. So if the universe could just go ahead and make that happen, that'd be great.

So happy new year and here's hoping you don't drool on yourself or turn to jelly. Unless that's your thing, of course.

Love,
Mae

09690-081 SPEAKS

"I really have no idea what I'm supposed to be writing in this thing..."

"Personally, I find 'blogging' rather tedious and too canned. I much prefer the spontaneity of instant messaging and archiving the text."
~thus spoketh bobbo 092306

p.s. jodes is cute.

p.p.s. awww i am fucken blushing! for real.

p.p.p.s. you got style you got class you got soul you're bad ass

p.p.p.p.s. seems down your back alleys, anything goes.

p.p.p.p.p.s. word.

I Refuse To Let Common Sense Cloud My Judgment

...so reads the postcard that Mrs. Spalding sent to me! I LOVE IT :)

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Tambamboozlepatootinrootinroozle!

Happy Birthday To You!
Happy Birthday To You!

Happy Birthday Dear Tambamboozlepatootinrootinroozle,

Happy Birthday To You!



P.S. Hpoe yuo cuold raed teh crad I mialed ot yuo ;)

TOWANDA! Or, Mill Avenue Inspires Memories of Evelyn Couch

THE SCENE: Evelyn is cut off in a parking lot

Evelyn Couch: Hey! I was waiting for that spot!
Girl #1: Face it, lady, we're younger and faster!

THE ACTION: Evelyn rear-ends the other car six times

Girl #1: What the hell are you doing?
Girl #2: Are you fucking crazy?

Evelyn Couch: Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.

The Waste Land

My nerves are bad tonight. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
I never know what you are thinking. Think.

Who Threw a Handle?

Don't any of you even entertain a single thought about going as "The Landlady" for Halloween this year. She's MINE!!!

I'm the Lyrical Jesse James

Challenge:
Band? Song Title?

Rule:
No internet cheating. Rub those two remaining brain cells together and let me know who sang it and the title of the song without the aid of the world wide web. Good luck!

Prize:
You'll have the power.


Bye now.